Dear Melbourne – part two

Dear Jim Stynes,

Almost four years ago I applied for the position of senior coach when you guys got rid of Neale Daniher.  Unfortunately no one contacted me.  Now that you’ve sacked Dean Bailey, I’d like to reapply for the position of senior coach at Melbourne, as advertised in the Caboolture Herald on Monday, 1 August 2011.

 

Funnily enough the Melbourne football club has spontaneously combusted again.  You’re in the same place you were exactly four years ago, though the list might be a little better.

When I re-read my application last night, I figured it didn’t really need changing, since my circumstances have hardly changed, just like yours.  I have included my resume below, which I believe improves my chances of winning the role.  Contained therein are examples of my extensive coaching experience in the Brisbane Australian Football League. 

In short, I have been coach of the Morayfield Might since 1981, winning four premierships and losing three.  I have attained many club records, some relating to football, though most were received on end of season trips or during celebrations after the game. 

It was shocking watching Melbourne lose to Geelong by 186 points, but we lost by 200 at the weekend.  We lose a lot of games by 100 points or more, but I have the unique ability to motivate the players after losses like that, either by promising strippers or putting on free drinks if we win.  I’d be keen to try some of the techniques I’ve honed over the years at Melbourne.

I believe Melbourne is a club that has the potential to rise up the ladder, as it can’t get much lower.  What the club needs to improve is good players and a game plan, something it hasn’t had all year.

Being an advocate for five-year plans, I am confident I could deliver Melbourne a premiership within said time, especially if I can do something about the timid list and lack of passion exhibited by the players.

I don’t want to speak ill of former coach Dean Bailey but he was hopeless.  Caretaker coach Todd Viney shouldn’t be in charge of garbage duty, which, it could be joked, he currently is.

It’s clear from watching the boys play twice this year they’re pathetic, unfit, unskilled, undisciplined and stupid.

I can change all that, except for the stupidity, through planning and careful drafting.  I believe we should target the following players in the upcoming draft:

• Brendan Fevola – an explosive player who could kick a hundred goals and lose a hundred grand
• Andrew Lovett – skilled midfielder who’d probably enjoy the stripper technique I promise if we win
• Alan Didak – one of the most loved, introverted players in the league
• Heath Shaw – I bet he’d a great player
• Nick Maxwell – a man who communicates well with his family exhibits solid values
• Campbell Brown – a great team player who always plays the man, could really set the example
• Setanta O’hAilpin – will be much better when he learns the rules
• Lindsay Thomas – will be much better when he learns to kick straight

 

All the above players would bring a level of discipline, skill and commitment to the club, which may extend onto the football field.  Certainly every club needs someone averse in weapons, gambling, drugs, fighting and drinking.

The above men would certainly improve Melbourne’s culture and they should slot right into the leadership group.

They’d also help Melbourne overcome its embarrassing season and woeful record since their last premiership, which apparently was a long time ago, or a short time, depending on your perspective.  I mean, 47 years isn’t really that long.  Not when compared to the age of the universe.

To further strengthen my credentials, I would bring my assistant coach from the Might, Tim Duffy, who often comes up with good suggestions on drinking venues, as well as the entire fitness staff, who work tirelessly to ensure some of the players are almost fit.

I am looking forward to gaining more experience in the football industry and believe a role with Melbourne will do that.

Any suggestions that I was too slow to react during last year’s grand final are wrong.  Sure, our opposition had kicked seven goals in a row but I was warned by the umpires not to start a fight before the game. 

It should be noted when the fight started, we gained the momentum back and ran out winners, by a knockout.

I look forward to hearing from you Jim, or from your boss Gary Lyon

Lindsay Guinn

PS – my salary at Morayfield Might is three thousand a season.  I will be tough on the negotiations.

Football experience

 

January 1981 – ongoing

 

• Have coached Morayfield Might to four premierships
• Lost three grand finals
• Four pre-season premierships
• Coached the Taipans representative squad 11 times
• Well respected by some people I’ve met and coached

                                                           

Skills Developed:

• Playing football
• Coaching men
• Winning and losing grand finals
• Good understanding of tactics and rules, except the latest ‘holding the ball’ rule
• Experience in naming the team
• Know when to make reserve grade players back up for seniors
• Know how to rotate the bench with tired reserve grade players
• Know when to yell at stupid, tired reserve grade players
• Can get the best out of good players by drinking with them
• An understanding of how to keep the better players away from the pub on the day of the game
• Can fight if the better players are in trouble
• Know when to overlook bad behaviour by the better players so they can still play, including drug and theft convictions
• Can make examples of less important players so the other less important players know how to behave
• Ignore bad behaviour of the better players, producing good results
• Understand playing bad players out of position exposes them
• Can praise a footballer for not getting a kick all quarter because he looked like he wanted one
• Know when to throw the water bottle during the half time address
• Set designated zones for players who smoke during the breaks between quarters
• Imposed a ban on alcohol after midnight on the night before matches
• Set designated zones for players who didn’t want to drink after the game
• Know how to sledge umpires and opposition officials, especially if they’re fat and bald
• Can make up nicknames based on a players surname, appearance, sexual preferences or race
• Can distance myself from players by not drinking with them during the week
• Follow the principle that encouragement is for the weak because the better players don’t need it
• Encourage players to be themselves and trust their instinct, except when playing football
• Know when to kick a team-mate in the calf muscle if he’s not performing, so he’s got a reason to go off
• Am familiar with the reasons why a team should start a fight if they’re losing
• Encourage players not to shake hands if they lose
• Have stopped fights between team-mates, sometimes on the field, sometimes in the pub
• Have encouraged fights between team-mates, if they deserved it
• Can quote parts of the bible

 

Statistics

 

• Club legend
• Name on the honour board eight times, but officially three times
• Seven photos on the wall in the clubrooms, three relating to football – club record
• Have been on ABC radio twice – club record
• Played 443 games – club record
• Kicked 913 goals – club record
• Captain-coach for 14 seasons – 350 games, a club record
• Three league champion awards
• Leading league goal kicker three times
• 67 percent winning record as coach
• Twenty two tribunal appearances, suspended for 37 matches – club and league record
• Found not guilty twice because the alleged victim was still in hospital
• Divorced twice
• Admit to having three kids

 

 

April 1998 – February 2011

 

Employer: Morayfield Might football club

Position:   Groundsman

• All facets of ground management
• Mowing lawns
• Watering
• Responsible for removing weeds
• Developed policy and procedure to store equipment like lawn mowers and line marking paint
• Buy ice and bandages
• Locking up after training
• Picking up rubbish
• Getting beer for after training and after matches
• Turning on floodlights, and off too

 

Demonstrated skills – production of premierships

 

• Developed skills allowing refined ability to gather wins, sound judgement and ability to decipher the needs and ability of stupid players
• Produce clear and concise two minute rants between quarter time and three quarter time complete with spittle, swearing and lots of pointing
• Better at half time, more swearing, often hit the white board and ask a player if he has balls
• Ability to develop core contacts within the team so I know who the poorer players are

 

Work to club deadlines

• Regularly produce match-winning moves before the siren sounds
• Turn up to training before the session starts
• Can train independently when team members don’t turn up to training
• Often give hung-over players until the last minute before a match to prove their fitness

 

Interpersonal qualities

• Highly developed and reliable communication skills in all areas that only confuses some players
• Ability to inspire people with abuse
• Natural personable level of grace and humour which expands to other members of the team, especially during abusive sessions when the team is losing
• Am biased against the opposition and umpires
• Respect the fact that I do not have an unrestricted right of speech over the team
• Encourage team members to speak their minds if their opinions are the same as mine
• Know when to inform a player that his efforts were shithouse and he’ll be dropped for next week – it’s best to do it at half time

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