Mediocrity has appeal, otherwise no one would follow Richmond. The club has failed every major challenge since their last premiership in 1980. Instead of memorable moments the Tigers have made a mockery of promise, of football and all the hype the club generates. Myriad coaches, no matter their pedigree or length of contracts, have consistently underperformed.
Richmond has failed at every draft since it was introduced in 1987, constantly selecting the wrong players. They haven’t just selected too many midfielders or too many key position players, too often they have selected footballers who couldn’t play.
Following six successive losses and the absence of improvement across two seasons, Damien Hardwick must be wondering why he campaigned for the senior job at Richmond. There’s no doubt he believed he could make a difference, that he had what his predecessors didn’t, but history hates Richmond and that belief might be delusional.
Hardwick is ambitious, ruthless and driven, as were Terry Wallace, Danny Frawley, Robert Walls and John Northey. All were tactically astute, you don’t get a coaching job if you’re not, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference who coaches the Tigers.
People seem to become dumber when they walk into Punt Road, and that applies to everyone at the club and those who follow it.
The Ramble has previously written of the losing sub-culture that abounds at Punt Road. The Tigers last won the flag in 1980, hammering Collingwood by 81 points. In 1982, after finishing minor premiers, they lost the premiership to Carlton and have never recovered.
Somehow the concept and effective use of the draft has eluded the Tigers. In an era where 11 or 12 wins are enough to play finals, Richmond has managed this just twice – 1995 and 2001. In 1996 and 1998, needing to win their last game to ensure a finals berth, the Tigers failed miserably. The club continually seems to finish ninth or tenth.
Their performance, in an age of governance by the draft, isn’t good enough.
Coaches have been interchanged mercilessly, 15 changes in since 1980, with each appointment being wrong.
Since the 1980 premiership, Richmond has won seven games or less in 14 seasons. In those 30 years, they’ve won an average of nine matches each season. Only St Kilda and Fremantle average less wins per season.
Since the inception of the draft teams finishing last or second last have been able to draft and trade well to rebuild their list. Sydney finished last in 1993 and played in a grand final three years later. Brisbane finished last in 1998 and won a flag three years later. Collingwood won the spoon in 1999 and lost the premiership in 2002, again, three years later.
St Kilda finished last in 2000 and played in a preliminary final in 2004, but things tend to move slower at St Kilda. West Coast finished last in 2010 and is a chance to finish in the top four, a remarkable comeback.
Other clubs can succeed. Richmond can’t, but it doesn’t seem to matter. No one really seems to care. They’ve got a vast supporter base who turn up regardless of their performances.
At the weekend the Tigers cruelled Sydney’s hopes of a home final with an upset 43 point win at the MCG. The victory ended six straight defeats, which included a loss in Cairns to the Gold Coast and a 103 point hammering by Carlton.
The match against the Swans was ordinary, just eight goals in a first half riddled by error. The second half was just as funny. Despite the margin, Richmond was lucky to win, which highlights how bad Sydney was. The Tigers had intent, but their skills at times were shocking. Sydney was shocking, without any intent.
Still, there’s something compelling about Richmond. They’ve been playing with the same brand of humour since 1982, and though the plot is clichéd and the jokes the same, they’re impossible not to watch, no matter if they’re winning or losing.
On Sunday, they generated plenty of laughter, dropped marks, handpassing to a man under pressure, a man in the clear running in slow motion, oblivious to the tackler closing in at speed and giving up a free kick.
When the Tigers went forward, particularly in the third term, pinpoint passes found Sydney’s defenders. Brett Deledio and Shaun Grigg attempted to spoil each other at half back. A few minutes later, three Tigers attempted to spoil each other on the wing.
Impossible not to laugh…
In the midfield, Shane Tuck’s ability to get the ball is unquestionable, and he is skilful, as long as you don’t mind his kicks finding the opposition. Clanger comes to mind. If Tuck could think before he kicked, maybe find a target occasionally, he’d be a star. Instead, he fits in perfectly at Richmond, where no one wants to draw unnecessary attention by playing well.
At half back in the third term, Matt Dea was whacked in a marking contest by Alex Rance, his team-mate. As Dea was slumping to the turf, Jake Batchelor, another team-mate, ran past and banged Dea’s already flaccid and ringing head. As Dea sat on the bench, the dazed victim of double dose of friendly fire, his expression was bewildered, oh well, this is Richmond.
Who didn’t laugh???
Even the umpires got caught up in the comedy. From a free kick in the centre, Tuck played on and kicked the ball to Riewoldt, who took a one handed mark 30 metres from goal, directly in front. The umpire, though, had called the ball back.
‘There was no advantage,’ the umpire said. To be fair, the umpire blew his whistle before Riewoldt took the mark, but the umpire believed it was no advantage for last year’s Coleman medallist to take a mark right in front, and that was the funniest thing seen in the AFL this year.
This is Richmond, where nothing seems at advantage. This is Richmond where everything is done under pressure. This is Richmond, with a list of players who make a lot of mistakes when they’re at their best.
This is Richmond, the funniest club in the AFL.
Opposition clubs must lose to Richmond because they want to, there can be no other explanation. Sydney’s coach John Longmire said he knew early his club wasn’t going to win when they seemed void of run and purpose. With a home final a possibility, losing to Richmond was unacceptable.
Perhaps Longmire would be more forgiving if the game was redefined as a comedy horror, a double entendre with enough fright to scare the fans and leave them with wet pants at the same time.
There’s something about Richmond though, that ensures no one turns away or stops listening to the radio.
Football fans don’t want nice, they want consistency, and Richmond winning late in the season tips the balance, tilting reality, leaving hardened men speaking in hushed tones, it was good to see the Tigers win today. The emotion, though, isn’t to be trusted. Richmond has promised ample for decades and delivered naught.
Wins like the one against Sydney harm the psyche, only because Richmond’s theme song is so damn good. At the weekend, the commentary team on the NIRS broadcast sung their praise, oh we’re from Tiger, yellow and black, when the game was over. Now that’s passion.
Wins like that get the masses singing, but it’s just a song. When it’s over, they’re still Richmond, a B-grade club in a tough competition who have provided no moments of collective athletic brilliance since 1980. Their current ledger, six wins and a draw, is their best performance in three years.
Not to be outdone by the comedy that unfolded before him, Damien Hardwick split our sides in the press conference by comparing Richmond to Hawthorn in 2006. Five years ago Hardwick was an assistant coach at Hawthorn during the rebuild. Two years later, the Hawks won the premiership.
Can you see why this if funny? Perhaps Hardwick was sucked in by the emotion in the theme song, because no one else has made that assumption, which is why Richmond’s win is so freaking amusing, a real humdinger.
Richmond compared to Hawthorn… Oh, stop it. It isn’t funny anymore, right???
What Richmond do next week against Melbourne will be just as entertaining, because the Demons have created their own brand of knife-in-the-back humour this season. Pie-in-the-face would’ve been better, but Melbourne is a club that thrives on blood, just like Richmond.
This weekend, the plot will be simple, two low skilled crooks aiming at the same heist, four premiership points. The main characters are clichéd, clubs without hope burdened by a history of gut-busting spontaneous combustion and predictable stupidity.
To get the points, Richmond and Melbourne will have to steal them in front of 30-thousand fans, who’ll laugh the whole game as the ball is turned over, marks are dropped and simple shots on goal missed. Fans will leave the MCG remembering the laughs and not much else, but that’s what entertainment is all about.
There’s something compelling about Richmond’s dumb humour. It appeals to the lowest common denominator, so watch the game or listen to it, because everyone deserves a cheap laugh, it doesn’t matter if the Tigers win and no one could argue they won’t lose.
Enjoy Richmond now because the acting is sure to get serious, it has to at some stage. They can’t consistently get it wrong forever. If Hardwick is to be believed the plot will change, as early as next season.
No one should miss the slip from comedy to drama. You’ll never learn another thing about humour if you bail out on Richmond now.
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